My age on the moon

My child, while reading an explanation of timelines: "Mommy, how old are you?"

Me: "I'm 34. Why do you keep asking me this?"

Him: "Oh my goodness, you would have been three when the first man walked on the moon!"

Me: "Um. . .no. No, I wouldn't have."

I think we've corrected the issue though.

The relationship advice I'd give my younger self

I am indescribably happy in my married life. I try to describe it, but people's eyes glaze over. It's a little disconcerting to be so regularly disbelieved about the amount of joy being married to my husband brings me.

I also see a lot of unhappy couples, which makes no sense to me. Life brings with it no requirement of "be in a relationship or bust," but some people seem to think they are somehow less than if they are not attached to another.

I know that I would be less than if I was not attached to the person I am, but that doesn't mean any person will do in a pinch. I look back at some of my own behaviors in my marriage and I shake my head, because surely only a 22-year-old woman can come up with with some of the reasons I did for angst. And so, 11 years on, I find myself luxuriating in all the pleasures a well-cultivated relationship brings, and wondering if I couldn't have achieved this same level of happiness much earlier if I'd only learned to conquer a few of my own bad habits.

We were always happy merely that we'd overcome so many obstacles to be together, but there are a few things that kept it from being as lovely as it is now. So, if I could talk to myself earlier in my relationship, there are a few things I would say.

• Don't have stupid fights.
• Oh my, I really did. I would just pick at stupid things and make issues of them. Like his inability to take dropped hints. In my head, dropped hints were supposed to be sufficient for mind reading.
  
  I am here to tell you, this is not true. Don't drop hints. If you want something, say so. Life will be happier, smoother and you'll enjoy each other's company so much more.
  
  
• Trust him.
• This man has no motivation to do anything to harm you (emotionally or otherwise) and all he ever wants is to be happy with you. You know this, and you chose your partner well in that he is incredibly open-minded. There is nothing you can't tell him, nothing that will freak him out so much that he will stop loving you.
  
  The other side of that trust is trusting that when he says something, he means it. He will not just pay you lip service or come up with stuff because he thinks it's what you want to hear. He won't.
  
  For his part - don't ever. If you do it even once, it will ruin the trust.
  
• Don't watch him eat
• Yes, I know, you've just gotten married and you want to spend all the time lost in the man's eyes. Especially since you couldn't for so long. But this is just going to piss you off. Don't watch the man eat. Avert your eyes. As long as he's gaining sustenance somehow, leave off him. He's fine and "chewing weird" is not a valid reason to criticize the guy. Seriously, he's so perfect you have to call "chewing weird" a flaw? Come on. Go write some code or play a video game if you have to. This is not a romance novel, no matter how many obstacles you had to overcome to get here. People eat. Don't be such a baby.
  
  
• His dreams about "us" will probably include his family for a good long time.
• This is normal and not a sign that he wants to move back to where he came from. Get a grip. The man adores you and what goes on when he's asleep is not a reason to get sad.
  
  
• When you do get sad and upset, don't wall yourself off.
• This advice includes the literal sort where you go into another room to hide and/or lock the door or sit against it so he can't open it, as well as the emotional sort where you retreat internally into a little curled up ball. The man can't help you fix what you won't talk about. Do you remember the part where I said he's not a mind reader? Still true here.
  
  Don't do this shit. This shit is damaging. What the hell are you doing? Locking the door is not funny. Locking the door is telling him "we are not US, I am me and you are you and that is how it will stay." Maybe you're rebelling a bit against this whole US thing, but cut it out. You are a far, far better person with this man than without him. Open the door and let him in. Literally and figuratively.
  
  
• Enjoy yourselves.
• Well, okay, you're already doing this part right. I have a giant heart-on for you guys, and these mistakes are fairly few and far between. But once you can eliminate them, oh my goodness will you ever open up the world of awesome. You will find yourself looking in the thesaurus regularly for more synonyms of "spectacular" to describe your husband, because you don't want to sound boring by using that one all the time. You will become a person that you really like, and he will become a person that you really admire in addition to the affection you already have for him. Consider how what you're doing would make you feel if he did it. (hint: he never would do these things to you)
  
  Be respectful of each other always, and you'll get there.
  
  You guys rock my face off.

Answering the door I: Personality test

We were sitting around attempting to watch "Star Wars: Uncut," but becoming more and more disenchanted by the moment, when a knock sounded at our door. 7:30 PM on a Monday, what on earth?

My husband went to answer it, consequently letting about half the heat out of the apartment.

The guy on the other side said, without so much as a greeting: "I take it you wouldn't be interested in a free personality test?"

My husband, as led, of course declined.

Talk about setting yourself up for failure.

Tragedy

I lose a lot of people. I manage to maintain a lot of people too, but a lot of them just slip through my fingers. Some vanish due to death, some just disappear from the face of my world and I can't locate them, some merely stop talking to me and I never know why. I suppose that's just how some people function, they just drift through other people's lives.

This most recent one probably hurts the most.

My best friend took his own life on Thursday.

He told me in an email he sent on Monday that he'd talk to me later, that he had to get up early in the morning. He'd asked me a question about the weather where I am, I hadn't answered him yet. I was waiting to get enough time to write him a proper letter, and maybe give him a phone call.

He's gone now. He won't talk to me later.

Prior to that email, I sent him a text regretfully informing him that I couldn't meet up with him before we left his geographical vicinity due to the craziness in packing.

His response:

January 6

Katrina, I'm sorry we can't get together. I love you all but you are my best friend. I will stay in touch. The new place is fine not a home. Bye.

I have some anger in me that he didn't stay in touch. One little email is not staying in touch. I don't know that I could have done anything if he did, but he could have tried. Nothing he had done previously was worth him taking his own life. Nothing is ever worth that.

But I'm also so, so sad.

We tried to help him every way we could. He'd helped us over the years, and we genuinely wanted to do him a good turn as well.

He made some really, truly, bad decisions, but they weren't insurmountable. They culminated with the worst one of all, which is completely insurmountable and absolutely final.

I've had moments when I've wondered why I'm alive - but as a teenager I read this fantastic excerpt from a self-help book called "Lost in the Cosmos" by Walker Percy. I later even bought the book.

Taken as a choice between living and dying - knowing it is a choice, not assuming that one is more or less valid than the other - God, to live! To breathe and smile and run and laugh and cook and eat! To hear my son's laughter, to have sex, even to feel this awful pain, what an amazing option!

I choose life.

I'm so, so sad you didn't, dear one.

Random moment with my husband

He's talking about a Lego site that he's joined and has been adding Lego sets to, while he wanders around the kitchen opening cabinets. He keeps opening and closing all of the doors, even ones he's opened before.

"What are you looking for?" I finally ask him.

He stops talking, looks at me. "A cup," he says simply, as if it were already bloody obvious what he was looking for.

I point to several sitting on the table.

"Oh," he says, a bit of shameface showing.

"First blog post, right there!" I exclaim, pointing my browser to this mostly empty blog.

"Don't start a blog based on my inadequacies!"

Good thing that's not what I did.